The Pandemonium Project

I have found the design for my new Nerf gun.

Samantha — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 15:09:43 +0000

Three Hundred…and One.

Samantha — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 15:06:46 +0000

…YOU CANNOT MAKE A SEQUEL TO 300, HOLLYWOOD.
This is not a story conceived by some local hipster douche. This is another culture’s legend and it deserves respect. There is a shrine, in Greece. The man’s memory is the mantra of the Greek army. This is like China making a movie of our Revolutionary War and then coming out with a sequel where George Washington razzes some naked teenage zombies.

And what the hell is this? THIS is your star? This BOY is going to carry the torch of the great King Leonidas? THIS is Sparta?

P.S. Xerxes was a Persian god-king. Stop casting him as progressively whiter and less famous people. Xerxes was a big deal to a lot of people who don’t want to see him prancing around as a sloppy snowflake with no career experience.

Wasn’t Abercrombie-and-Fitching Jesus Christ enough of an offense to the people of the Middle East? Must we go Australian?

Nobody Reads About Boring People Pretending To Be Normal

Samantha — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 07:15:24 +0000

The Only Cooking Show I Will Ever Post

Samantha — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 07:01:47 +0000

We Put The Fun In Funeral

Samantha — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 06:23:03 +0000

If I ever have to bury another man, he’s going to spend eternity in this suit.

Bound

Samantha — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 06:01:43 +0000

Introducing Anthony to Bound. “It’s a noir film by the Wachowski brother…and sister…starring the voice of Chucky’s wife, ‘Old Titties’ from Showgirls, and that dick from The Matrix. And there’s fisting!”

I’ve always loved the Wachowski Bros. commentary track on Bound; they rip Jennifer Tilly the whole time. “I told her to act surprised. Would you look at her? And the GAPING MOUTH again. She can’t act and keep her mouth closed at the same time.” Been saying that for YEARS. So, thank you, America, for notifying me that the Wachowski Bros. no longer exist – it is now Wachowski Bro and Ho.

Larry Wachowski is now Lana Wachowski.

Texts From Mom

Samantha — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 14:35:43 +0000

Mom: Charging phone again but mow wzchong Archer and the removalof the eggplant dildo from Silvio Berlezconi’s ass but the mother did Not kill him. It may be the sake, but I had to Google Silvio Berlezconi to make sure … Continue reading →

Atkins

Samantha — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 07:22:00 +0000

We’ve each lost about 15 lbs on Atkins in the past week. I am making these tomorrow.

Mwahahaha.

Samantha — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:42:01 +0000

Happy Valentine’s Day

Samantha — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 22:59:42 +0000

It was love at first sight.
I’m almost positive it’s an animatronic MC Hammer doll concealed in a young girl’s sock. But, it could be Satan. Or, it could be haunted by the ghost of a raver who ground up glow sticks into his cocaine. Whatever it is, it had to be mine.
Mine to give. Because nothing says “I love you” like a pink and violet MC Hammer glowing cocaine devil sock monkey dancing you a Valentine, holding a heart that says “Kiss me, I have a flaming case of herpes.”